There is a question that is often asked from one griever to
another: does it get easier? The simple
answer is “no.” Nope. Not even a little bit.
What does happen when you embrace it is that you get stronger. You love deeper. You have a new perspective. You change.
You learn a new dance.
I always thought that the water works would eventually
stop. That when I recalled a memory of
the ones I have lost that at some point I’d stop crying. BUT, that hasn’t happened yet. Not even for my dad who has been gone for 16
years this year.
The other day something made me think of him and all the
sudden I started crying as if he’d passed away yesterday. I thought, “this is so strange, what is wrong
with me?!?!” But I stopped
myself…nothing is wrong with me. This is normal.
Grief does strange things to us. It sometimes doesn’t have a rhyme or reason
that we can seem to figure out. However,
I’ve learned from experience and from the help of others and solid research
that although we as the grievers may not understand, it really makes perfect
sense to our body and our brain and our hearts.
That it is a way through the pain.
SO, I did my best to embrace it. Not push it away, not hide it…not beat myself
up about the feeling. I let the tears
come. I let them bring that clean, blue
skies & summertime feeling. It
doesn’t seem logical in the moment that letting all the confusing and jumbled,
inextricable thoughts and feelings go can lead to such clarity, but it did and
it does!
No way am I saying that I’m good at this because I am not,
but hopefully by putting it down here on paper I will learn to take that road,
that I’ll learn more about my dance.
At church this past Sunday my pastor talked about being a
light and bringing the blue skies we have to others. I really like her analogy. Even if you don’t believe in God I really do
feel like we have something great to give others. Many of us know that song…you know the one:
“Hide it under a bushel…NO, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!”
We should do that…
When I was younger my dad pushed me real hard. I wasn’t allowed to give up. It wasn’t an option. I…me…my…had to figure it out. And in some regard I feel like it started the
Ms. Independent fire that sometimes blazes out of control inside of me. It can be pretty harsh. Usually it sounds like, “Figure it out, Madi;
I got this; No, it’s fine!” Uh-huh…Perhaps
that is one of the many reasons I got the following nicknames: Fireball and
MadDawg. Thinking about it makes me
laugh. When my Mom’s mom was alive she’d
send me things that would remind me that just because I was tiny didn’t mean I
wasn’t a force to be reckoned with. She
wanted to remind me to not let others push me around. I can tell you I never have...
Unfortunately, I sometimes channel these things I’ve learned
and use them in an unhealthy way against myself and sometimes others too. As much as I appreciate the toughness my
grandma and Dad encouraged me to have I also know I need to dial it back
sometimes. As I said we all have a light
to share with others. When I let my fire
burn out of control and think I have all the answers and can figure it out, I
not only do myself and my God a disservice, I also push those I love and care
about away too. It’s not good and it
doesn’t make me feel good either.
I’ve been learning to catch myself better when my fire heats
up. Usually it entails a lot of
overthinking and some defensive maneuvers that I am not proud of after reflecting
on the moments. BUT, as I mentioned I’m
working on it! Thankfully I have really
great friends who stand with me and help me work on it too. I know I’m not alone and I am so blessed and
so grateful for that.
I recently became hooked on this song. It’s called Look on Up by Relient K.
Remember that we should always look up.
To work to see the blue skies and shine our lights. Again, probably a C
student in this category, but when I’ve got it down on paper and hold others
accountable too, it helps me do better.
Grief doesn’t make any sense. I’ve tried and tried to come up with a better
understanding. I’ve talked to people and
read books and articles (if you need a book to read I HIGHLY recommend On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth
Kubler-Ross) and what folks have helped me to realize is that every journey
is different and there’s no right way to grieve the loss of someone you love
and care about. In the words of Jess
Glynne Don’t be so Hard on Yourself.
It’s hard to navigate life.
It’s even harder when we try to do it by ourselves. Many parts don’t work out to an equation that
we can apply logic to and figure out nicely.
So it’s a good thing we often times don’t have to do that. Remember that we all have things to learn and
things to teach others. EVERY single one
of us. Okay….one last story before I
sign out to give some oomph to this point…
The other day as I walked into The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf
to grab an afternoon treat (okay, okay….my third coffee of the day...fine…it
was a REALLY long day!). As I approached
I heard this man asking for some money. He
stood a good distance away from me and talked in an apologetic and meek
way. I knew, well thought I knew, that I
had no change or bills in my wallet and my heart broke a little bit. I said, “no, but I’ll let you come in with me
and I’ll get you a coffee.” As I said
this I was pulling out my wallet just to make sure I didn’t have any change. Funny thing was I did and as I pulled out the
change and began to hand it to him, he did something that almost brought tears
to my eyes. This man nearly bent down on
his knees with his head down and his hands raised in an offering position to
accept the maybe $0.40 I had to offer him (and he knew I didn’t have that much). He never once during our conversation looked
away from me or approached me without keeping a respectable distance.
These past few weeks in church we’ve been learning about blessing. Did you know, in Hebrew that blessing means
to kneel and receive a gift in reverence?
I couldn’t help but think how this man received so little,
yet acted as though I had given him so much.
And I knew as I looked into his eyes and as he said his words of thanks
how grateful I was that he had blessed me.
How he had shown me how grateful I should be for all the things I
have. I was quite humbled.
So when I say we all have something to give, I really,
really do mean everyone. I really do
mean that we are all here for a purpose, for many purposes. That our lives are not arbitrary. Things in this life do not make sense
sometimes, like grief. However, we
really are not alone and if we keep our eyes and hearts open the world and God
do conspire to bring us blue skies and summertime. It might be hard, but we can do it.
