You know that wall that
you hit and you just don’t know what to do?
I feel like that wall and I have seen a bit too much of each other
lately. And it just wouldn’t go away. And my ability to deal with said wall seemed
to be dwindling quicker and quicker and then BAM!
I kept telling folks that
it was really hard for me to be around people who had a bad attitude. I just had a really hard time with it, I mean
who doesn’t? We don’t want to be around
someone who complains and blames things on outside forces, right? I kept thinking about that and thought if
only I can get away from the overwhelming cloud of negativity that seems to be
choking me.
And then…BAM…it hit
me…well, I actually hit it! I was so
absorbed in myself and being right and thinking something externally was
impacting me. And yes, in some ways it
was, but the real problem…well, that was me.
I had a bad attitude. I was playing
the victim. I took on narrow perspectives
and didn’t allow myself to move forward and rise above. To take the time and say yes, this is not
ideal by I not only can do it, I will do it and I won’t let ANYTHING or ANYONE
get in my way.
That saying, you know how
it goes, where you’re the only one holding yourself back? Well, this time, it was right. The hammer hit the nail right on the head…and
it was my head. OUCH!
As I reflect back I
realize that it was a slow process in which I came to this realization. For months and months I’ve been learning
about what motivates me and how I get though life and my identity (can you tell
I’m a graduate student discovering herself?) and how my past has affected my
now and how I can or can’t let it affect my future. And I can tell you, it’s been challenging. AND I still have a ways to go…a long ways to
go I hope (I mean I’ve got things to do: skydiving, riding Colossus II, owning
land, honeymooning in the mountains, raising kids, rafting, snowboarding,
backpacking, etc.).
So on the way to this
epiphany, I’ve had some truly great
milestones:
(1) breakdowns…many,
many, many sobbing, woe is me, epic
break downs
(2) attempts to Band-Aid
the deeper issues (don’t get me wrong, like I said this is a process and these
are not things I take for granted, but Band-Aids need to eventually come off if
we are going to fully heal)
(3) amazing reads that
have helped me get through (Having a Mary
Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, Stop
Pissing me Off By Lynn Eisaguirre, to name a few)
(4) tough conversations
with people that matter to me
…to name just a few
I was absolutely
terrified at times and ashamed and hurt and challenged. But I was also empowered, grateful, more
confident in myself, felt worthy, and definitely am growing into a more
beautiful me.
We read this story in my
women’s bible study this past week that was centered on the idea that compressed carbon and lots and lots of time
and pressure make beautiful, precious, priceless diamonds (did you hear
that part in the video about “under extreme pressure and temperture…”?). Interesting, huh? How something like that, a process so
EXTREME, with a very, well not so pretty element, could turn into a
diamond? And at the same time, amazing
and beautiful! Sounds like words I would
use to describe the process of shaping people, including myself.
I don’t want to be
selfish and negative. I want to be
hopeful and use what has shaped me into who I am today in a positive way. I am here so we can all get through this
thing called life together. I think somewhere in that I have an innate quality
(that I let get buried) to bee + (I saw a bumper sticker the other day and it
had a picture of a bee and a battery with only the positive sign depicted, it
was awesome!).
So, folks, let’s do this,
together! And remember…it’s a
process…and that process to me looks like a fun rollercoaster with lots of ups
and downs. Thankfully that train on the
tracks is full and we can ride life together!
RIP Collosus, you will be missed, but for
new, more beautiful things to come we must stand by you during your ups and
downs! So bring it on Collosus II, we’re expecting and have
faith in you’re amazing upcoming adventures; Just as I am expecting and have
faith in all of your amazing upcoming adventures! Let’s do this…TOGETHER!
