The Day the Wall Came Crashing Down

You know that wall that you hit and you just don’t know what to do?  I feel like that wall and I have seen a bit too much of each other lately.  And it just wouldn’t go away.  And my ability to deal with said wall seemed to be dwindling quicker and quicker and then BAM!

I kept telling folks that it was really hard for me to be around people who had a bad attitude.  I just had a really hard time with it, I mean who doesn’t?  We don’t want to be around someone who complains and blames things on outside forces, right?  I kept thinking about that and thought if only I can get away from the overwhelming cloud of negativity that seems to be choking me. 

And then…BAM…it hit me…well, I actually hit it!  I was so absorbed in myself and being right and thinking something externally was impacting me.  And yes, in some ways it was, but the real problem…well, that was me.  I had a bad attitude.  I was playing the victim.  I took on narrow perspectives and didn’t allow myself to move forward and rise above.  To take the time and say yes, this is not ideal by I not only can do it, I will do it and I won’t let ANYTHING or ANYONE get in my way. 

That saying, you know how it goes, where you’re the only one holding yourself back?  Well, this time, it was right.  The hammer hit the nail right on the head…and it was my head.  OUCH!

As I reflect back I realize that it was a slow process in which I came to this realization.  For months and months I’ve been learning about what motivates me and how I get though life and my identity (can you tell I’m a graduate student discovering herself?) and how my past has affected my now and how I can or can’t let it affect my future.  And I can tell you, it’s been challenging.  AND I still have a ways to go…a long ways to go I hope (I mean I’ve got things to do: skydiving, riding Colossus II, owning land, honeymooning in the mountains, raising kids, rafting, snowboarding, backpacking, etc.).

So on the way to this epiphany, I’ve had some truly great milestones:

(1) breakdowns…many, many, many sobbing, woe is me, epic break downs

(2) attempts to Band-Aid the deeper issues (don’t get me wrong, like I said this is a process and these are not things I take for granted, but Band-Aids need to eventually come off if we are going to fully heal)

(3) amazing reads that have helped me get through (Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, Stop Pissing me Off By Lynn Eisaguirre, to name a few)

(4) tough conversations with people that matter to me

…to name just a few

I was absolutely terrified at times and ashamed and hurt and challenged.  But I was also empowered, grateful, more confident in myself, felt worthy, and definitely am growing into a more beautiful me. 

We read this story in my women’s bible study this past week that was centered on the idea that compressed carbon and lots and lots of time and pressure make beautiful, precious, priceless diamonds (did you hear that part in the video about “under extreme pressure and temperture…”?).  Interesting, huh?  How something like that, a process so EXTREME, with a very, well not so pretty element, could turn into a diamond?  And at the same time, amazing and beautiful!  Sounds like words I would use to describe the process of shaping people, including myself.

I don’t want to be selfish and negative.  I want to be hopeful and use what has shaped me into who I am today in a positive way.  I am here so we can all get through this thing called life together. I think somewhere in that I have an innate quality (that I let get buried) to bee + (I saw a bumper sticker the other day and it had a picture of a bee and a battery with only the positive sign depicted, it was awesome!). 

So, folks, let’s do this, together!  And remember…it’s a process…and that process to me looks like a fun rollercoaster with lots of ups and downs.  Thankfully that train on the tracks is full and we can ride life together!

RIP Collosus, you will be missed, but for new, more beautiful things to come we must stand by you during your ups and downs!  So bring it on Collosus II, we’re expecting and have faith in you’re amazing upcoming adventures; Just as I am expecting and have faith in all of your amazing upcoming adventures!  Let’s do this…TOGETHER!

It's Gonna Be Okay

            Sometimes we just want to hear someone say, “it’s gonna be okay.” To simply say “you’re doing just fine” and smile and give you a big warm hug. Ben Rector has this song and I love him because he’s so straight up. He says, “here’s the truth/life sucks sometimes.” Yah, it sure does, Ben, it sure does! BUT, “life keeps movin on.” And that, that’s what we need to get caught up in. It sucks, but it’s gonna be okay, and life does keep moving on.

            I subscribe to two magazines: National Geographic and Real Simple. National Geographic because I just love that stuff. And the photography is amazing.  And it’s just so real. Real Simple because it’s an interest magazine geared toward women and how to get through life. Like how to prepare spaghetti squash or a compilation of a ton of laundry tricks in one place.  It’s WONDERFUL! And it has made my life easier. The other part I like is that it has a section titled “life lessons” and its 5 ways to (fill in the blank). It’s really great because they’re 5 pieces of advice fit onto one page and can be ripped right out of the magazine and put into my wallet. So far three of these bad boys have a permanent home behind my credit cards and drivers license.

            So I would love to have someone tell me “it’s gonna be okay” and for it to be enough for me to send my worries away. And sometimes it does. But, sometimes it doesn't or I feel embarrassed to just say, “can I have a hug” or go crying to one of my besties about what’s going on. So thanks to those “life lessons” in Real Simple, my family, friends, Jesus, teachers, etc. I have a few tools in my back pocket to rise above the weights that try to drag me down. Here they are in no particular order, well besides one:

(1)  Dance it out…I’m totally serious! (thank you to “5 Ways to Get out of a Funk”).  And it TOTALLY works. So your next question might be what dance mix should you use? Here are three off the top of my head: “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves, C2C’s “Happy” and “Believer” by American Authors.  So good! Yah, I don’t like people watching me dance around either…and my dog might think I’m CRAZY…but ain’t nobody around when I’m at home.

(2)  Take a hike.  I read this awesome article the other day about taking a hike and how it helps you to heal.  You can look into that here. Some folks aren’t very nature oriented, but I feel like it’s more my home than these four walls that make up my house sometimes. This is why I cannot wait to go camping in a few weeks even if it is going to be roasting in the desert.  There is nothing that beats the stars in the sky, the smell of rain, the flash of lightning…nature is AWESOME!

(3)  Or you can take a walk around your neighborhood. Real Simple taught me the benefit of this too in one of their “5 ways to…”  I usually walk my dog a mile or three and that helps me clear my head.

(4)  Speaking of dogs….they are the best!  Y’all know this already though. My dog, aside from Jesus, is my favorite thing in life. Just ask me and I could talk your ear off.  He’s the cutest and the craziest (yah he’s not calm all the time folks....oh no).  AND I love it. He challenges me and comforts me. You should really think about getting a (rescue) dog if you don’t have one already. I can help point you in the right direction J

(5)  Go do something for someone else. There are plenty of opportunities out there where our help is needed. I myself help with 2 or 3 non-profits in a given time frame.  I just can’t help it! It makes me feel good always and I know I’m helping someone else too.

(6)  Watch a really sad movie.  Sounds morbid, right? But this weird tidbit all made sense when I read about the benefits of it in another Real Simple “Life Lessons” article. My go-to movie is My Sisters Keeper.  I cry every time and feel better afterward.  Maybe we just need to let a little emotion out in order to get past what we don’t fully understand is going on in our heart and mind yet. 

(7)  Number one on my list, really, is to pray it out. I know not everyone believes in God, but you don’t have to believe to pray. It never fails. And suddenly my dark skies start to become a little clearer. 

“Life keeps moving on…” And it does.  And I want to be caught up in it, not stuck on the sidelines trying to figure it all out.  I don’t want my worries.  They can worry about themselves (thank you Matthew 6). So there! 

Life Didn't Come with a Pause Button

            When my Dad passed on and my family and I had those little things printed to remember him by my Mom decided on that passage from the Bible about there being a reason for everything. But, I didn’t originally know this passage as talking about reason, but rather time. You might be more familiar with the concept of time in the rendition that I’m talking about, you know that song by the Byrds: “For everything, turn, turn, turn…a time to every purpose under heaven.”

            All the questions we ask…there seems to be an almost cliché answer to everyone that has something to do with time. 

Love: “You can’t hurry love, no you’ll just have to wait….” (The Supremes in You Can’t Hurry Love”)

Loss: It was their time to go

Break-up: Just give it time, you’ll find someone else

I want it now!: Patience is a virtue

God, please ____: My timing is perfect, even if you don’t understand

It seems so frustrating and honestly terribly unfair.  But, I think there must be something that’s making it all okay because we’re all still here and livin life together!

            So how has time contributed to shaping me.  That’s a wonderful question! Well there’s a plethora of perfect timings I can tell you about, so here it goes:

            Love: uh…God’s perfect timing (is coming)? J Or, we can talk about my puppy love (no, not the shallow stuff parents talk about their teenagers feeling for that person), I’m talking real puppy love: my baby boy Kaden! I had all but given up on finding a dog.  I had been turned down and lost hope, but a few friends encouraged me to keep the faith.  So, I sent one last email to this wonderful woman at a rescue.  Not 10 hours later my handsome boy walked straight into my arms and he’s not going anywhere! Hell, he probably wouldn’t let me run 10 feet from him without whining…Mama’s boy for sure <3

            Loss: I don’t know if I believe that it was their time to go.  But I know they will always be with me.  And time, well time just separates me from them and from the wonderful memories of them having been here with me and not away.  I’m sorry, I don’t have a good answer for you for this one.  Loss is not something that is easy, but as time goes on it does make you stronger.  Stronger in the sense of working through the intricacies of the issues involved with that loss.  Time has softened my heart and made me a more sensitive person because of all of the emotions involved with those who I love whom I have lost.  It’s taught me how to be more vulnerable.  By choosing not to close doors and to open them for others to see my heart, I have more freedom.  Hopefully, you take that chance too.

Break-up: Don’t give up.  Someone who wants to love you (even if they don’t know it’s you just yet) is out there waiting or searching for you too.  Don’t give up!

I want it now: Hold your horses! If you move too fast, it might not be the right time! You might need to be late for the appointment in order to leave later than expected so that you run into that one person you haven’t seen in years that happens to be the time that you decide to go grab coffee then that coffee time turns into a nice romantic walk on the beach (I don’t like the the beach, by the way…well the sand part of it…just so ya know), that…yah, you see where I’m going here…relationship…marriage….you just never know, ya know?

God please                    : See answer above and for those of us who believe, you’ll know that He knew and had a perfect plan in mind.  It was just our shortcomings that tried to control a situation that He had already perfectly planned. 

So life is complicated and time always has a hand in all things.  It can be our best friend or our worst enemy.  It’s really a love/hate relationship and we don’t have a choice or any real control over it.  So embrace it! Give it a big ole hug and make the best of that moment.  Be present (yoga does wonders to help you with this) and realize we can only do so much. 

You are loved and you are important, very important, to your community.  As time goes on and we choose to be present and live in the moment and also make choices to promise to change the world, we can only continue to be a better version of ourselves, and not one other person can even begin to fulfill that role.  There really could never be a more beautiful you! 

Risk Takers are Change Makers

One Sunday afternoon during church an elder spoke about embracing and not pushing away the things that we come up against that we are afraid of in life.  Imagine letting things poor over you and fully immersing yourself in them.  Letting those things surround us instead of applying the breaks. 

Think about the things in your life that wouldn’t be had you not decided to take a risk? OR had someone decided not to take a risk on you?

I’ve noticed that there are two types of risks that I frequently find myself contemplating: the emotional and the physical.  And from where I’m looking you’re better at either one or the other.  Think about it, how many (and no offense folks) adrenaline junkies are also super great at being emotionally vulnerable?  And how many of us who are really great at being risk-takers in relationships are super thrilled about all those extreme sport experiences? Or even the small things, like an upside down roller-coaster? 

I feel like I’m on a continuum somewhere smack in the middle between those two; Neither good at one or the other OR, perhaps, equally good at both. 

So what have I decided to do about it?  Well, that’s easy: TAKE A RISK! Totally easier said than done, but here are some things that have helped me.

Number one: Read all about it! Some of the books that I have learned most about how to be a better me are: Daring Greatly by Brene Brown (haven’t finished this yet), Wild by Cheryl Strayed, Moral Courage by Rushworth Kidder, and The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.  Also, for those of you are searching for a God centered perspective: Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver (working through this with a Women’s Bible study group at Church) and Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss (I’ve read this book at least 4 times). 

Number two: Get outta your comfort zone!  The easiest way to do this is to join a group where other folks are doing the same thing.  That way you all can be socially awkward together! (Just sayin).  If you live in Orange County, check out the Red Shoe Society (through the OC Ronald McDonald House).  This is a volunteer opportunity, which is another VERY good way to meet new people, help your community, and feel good.  I also volunteer at a therapeutic horse-riding center every so often.  In addition, you can get involved with your Alma Mater, happy hour anyone?  Even if you don’t drink, they usually have free food at fun new places which you can provide feedback about to other friends and family members.  I’ve honestly met or reconnected with folks who have only made my life fuller. 

Number three: If you’re in a profession there are conferences. GO TO THEM! You wind up hearing speakers like Brene Brown. You also, again, meet new people and learn new things, and get free give-a-ways and travel and….and…and…

Number four: Go try those things you’ve always wanted to try.  Like joining a rock-climbing gym.  They usually have free yoga and fitness classes and sometimes a gym! Maybe a pole dancing class? Perhaps kayaking? Or hiking? You know the only person who thinks you look ridiculous is you? You know why? Cause you think you do.  If you need help, ask.  That’s why we are all here. Most of the time folks who work to serve you at these places don’t say “no” and they would LOVE to help you.  It’s their passion and who doesn’t love sharing about their passion?  Eventually you’ll work yourself up to doing something you never imagined you could do.  But you wouldn’t of known you could do it unless you took the first step! 

Number five: Take the plunge! I mean like that thing you've been talking about but haven't made it into a reality.  A dog? A new car? Your master's degree? A new job? No better time than right now? So what are you waiting for? You...I mean....we...can make it happen! 

So yah, risks, you should take them! Don’t let people or the fact that maybe you fell off the horse (a few times) before you got it slow you down.  One of the best pieces of advice that my father gave me was, “to get back on the horse.” Back when he said that it was a literal expression, but I feel like he meant it figuratively too. 

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are” –J.P. Morgan

Twinsterly Love

Recently my sister came to visit me.  She is AWESOME!  We, as do most siblings, get the question as to who is older.  My answer: I am…by 21 minutes.  Her answer: we’re twins. Generally these answers are stated at the same time, then we both let our audience know that we’re twins!  What comes next is often the question as to whether or not we have a mystical, freaky twin connection.  And that ALWAYS makes me laugh! I mean, where did that even come from? 

Okay, okay…so maybe there is some science to it.  Watch here.  So I bet you’re wondering what supernatural twinster powers we have, right?  We’ve been super close since birth and it would be super painful to be too far apart…not that we’re conjoined or anything like that, but ya get what I mean!  In fact when we were 18 months old, I was diagnosed with cancer and had Ash and I not been twins I probably wouldn’t be here. While Ashley was cruising around the house I was barely standing, screaming, and holding on to walls.  My mom knew something was not right because she had my sister to compare me to.  Fortunately with my family’s help I survived the awful battle. My Mom has shared stories with me and Ash about how she lost weight while we were apart from each other…like she knew something wasn’t right. 

Throughout school we were separated and had different teachers most of the time.  Back then (and I suppose even now) they thought that was the best thing to do so twins would develop their own friends.  So we wouldn’t be like Alex and Nicky in Full House, ya know? Anyone remember that one episode where their parents tried to help them meet new friends and all they wanted to do was play with each other?  I mean why not?  You’re already best friends anyhow! If I remember correctly the parents decided not to push it and ultimately things turned out okay.  Just like Ash and I may have been like two peas in a pod (my Mom and Dad literally made this into a Halloween costume for the two of us one year…haha) and maintained a super close relationship, BUT we’ve developed into two separate, beautiful young women with our own lives. 

Okay so aside from best friends for life, Ash and I have definitely had our share of “that’s cause were twins” moments too. Lets take for instance this past time she was here: I happened to purchase the same hair straightener that she had brought to hand down to me…haha…opps.  In addition, we both happened to know about this particular up and coming author that she was going to recommend to me.  I’d actually been to a conference early this year when the woman, Brene Brown (Daring Greatly is her book I highly recommend it), was a featured speaker.  THEN there was the time when I saw Ashley in March and she bought me two gifts from Target.  What she didn’t know is that I had actually been to Target two weeks before and had bought those same two items (on a whim, mind you)…and just those same two items (a minion shirt from Despicable Me 2 and the Goonies movie).  Unreal, right?  Anyone want a free copy of one of my favorite movies?

So anyhow, I guess those situations are pretty common for us.  We’ve also called each other at the same times, exhibited similar mannerisms (our email addresses have the same format though we created them independently), won the only two spots for one award independently without the committee knowing that we were even related…the list goes on.  So freaky twin thing? Well, maybe just a little!

Ashley is also my #1 fan.  Not the cheesy kind, though.  The always there at the end of the finish line even if you finish dead last, it’s pouring outside, and you probably weren’t ready to run the race in the first place.  She has never, ever, ever given up on me.  She reminds me that I can do it.  She might think I am the strong one, but truth is she’s the one that has always held me up.  I thank God for her every single day. 

So, let us not forget about those people that are always our #1 fans! After all, they believe in us when we forget how to believe in ourselves.  She and I recently went to see A Fault In Our Stars and I heard this song that reminds me of our #1s. #countyourblessings

To my Mom and Morgz: love you to the moon and back!