Embracing the Grief & The Beauty of it Part III

There is a question that is often asked from one griever to another: does it get easier?  The simple answer is “no.”  Nope.  Not even a little bit.

What does happen when you embrace it is that you get stronger.  You love deeper.  You have a new perspective.  You change.  You learn a new dance. 

I always thought that the water works would eventually stop.  That when I recalled a memory of the ones I have lost that at some point I’d stop crying.  BUT, that hasn’t happened yet.  Not even for my dad who has been gone for 16 years this year. 

The other day something made me think of him and all the sudden I started crying as if he’d passed away yesterday.  I thought, “this is so strange, what is wrong with me?!?!”  But I stopped myself…nothing is wrong with me.  This is normal. 

Grief does strange things to us.  It sometimes doesn’t have a rhyme or reason that we can seem to figure out.  However, I’ve learned from experience and from the help of others and solid research that although we as the grievers may not understand, it really makes perfect sense to our body and our brain and our hearts.  That it is a way through the pain. 

SO, I did my best to embrace it.  Not push it away, not hide it…not beat myself up about the feeling.  I let the tears come.  I let them bring that clean, blue skies & summertime feeling.  It doesn’t seem logical in the moment that letting all the confusing and jumbled, inextricable thoughts and feelings go can lead to such clarity, but it did and it does! 

No way am I saying that I’m good at this because I am not, but hopefully by putting it down here on paper I will learn to take that road, that I’ll learn more about my dance. 

At church this past Sunday my pastor talked about being a light and bringing the blue skies we have to others.  I really like her analogy.  Even if you don’t believe in God I really do feel like we have something great to give others.  Many of us know that song…you know the one: “Hide it under a bushel…NO, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!”

We should do that…

When I was younger my dad pushed me real hard.  I wasn’t allowed to give up.  It wasn’t an option.  I…me…my…had to figure it out.  And in some regard I feel like it started the Ms. Independent fire that sometimes blazes out of control inside of me.  It can be pretty harsh.  Usually it sounds like, “Figure it out, Madi; I got this; No, it’s fine!”  Uh-huh…Perhaps that is one of the many reasons I got the following nicknames: Fireball and MadDawg.  Thinking about it makes me laugh.  When my Mom’s mom was alive she’d send me things that would remind me that just because I was tiny didn’t mean I wasn’t a force to be reckoned with.  She wanted to remind me to not let others push me around.  I can tell you I never have...

Unfortunately, I sometimes channel these things I’ve learned and use them in an unhealthy way against myself and sometimes others too.  As much as I appreciate the toughness my grandma and Dad encouraged me to have I also know I need to dial it back sometimes.  As I said we all have a light to share with others.  When I let my fire burn out of control and think I have all the answers and can figure it out, I not only do myself and my God a disservice, I also push those I love and care about away too.  It’s not good and it doesn’t make me feel good either.

I’ve been learning to catch myself better when my fire heats up.  Usually it entails a lot of overthinking and some defensive maneuvers that I am not proud of after reflecting on the moments.  BUT, as I mentioned I’m working on it!  Thankfully I have really great friends who stand with me and help me work on it too.  I know I’m not alone and I am so blessed and so grateful for that. 

I recently became hooked on this song.  It’s called Look on Up by Relient K.  Remember that we should always look up.  To work to see the blue skies and shine our lights. Again, probably a C student in this category, but when I’ve got it down on paper and hold others accountable too, it helps me do better.    

Grief doesn’t make any sense.  I’ve tried and tried to come up with a better understanding.  I’ve talked to people and read books and articles (if you need a book to read I HIGHLY recommend On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross) and what folks have helped me to realize is that every journey is different and there’s no right way to grieve the loss of someone you love and care about.  In the words of Jess Glynne Don’t be so Hard on Yourself. 

It’s hard to navigate life.  It’s even harder when we try to do it by ourselves.  Many parts don’t work out to an equation that we can apply logic to and figure out nicely.  So it’s a good thing we often times don’t have to do that.  Remember that we all have things to learn and things to teach others.  EVERY single one of us.  Okay….one last story before I sign out to give some oomph to this point…

The other day as I walked into The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf to grab an afternoon treat (okay, okay….my third coffee of the day...fine…it was a REALLY long day!).  As I approached I heard this man asking for some money.  He stood a good distance away from me and talked in an apologetic and meek way.  I knew, well thought I knew, that I had no change or bills in my wallet and my heart broke a little bit.  I said, “no, but I’ll let you come in with me and I’ll get you a coffee.”  As I said this I was pulling out my wallet just to make sure I didn’t have any change.  Funny thing was I did and as I pulled out the change and began to hand it to him, he did something that almost brought tears to my eyes.  This man nearly bent down on his knees with his head down and his hands raised in an offering position to accept the maybe $0.40 I had to offer him (and he knew I didn’t have that much).  He never once during our conversation looked away from me or approached me without keeping a respectable distance. 

These past few weeks in church we’ve been learning about blessing.  Did you know, in Hebrew that blessing means to kneel and receive a gift in reverence? 

I couldn’t help but think how this man received so little, yet acted as though I had given him so much.  And I knew as I looked into his eyes and as he said his words of thanks how grateful I was that he had blessed me.  How he had shown me how grateful I should be for all the things I have.  I was quite humbled.

So when I say we all have something to give, I really, really do mean everyone.  I really do mean that we are all here for a purpose, for many purposes.  That our lives are not arbitrary.  Things in this life do not make sense sometimes, like grief.  However, we really are not alone and if we keep our eyes and hearts open the world and God do conspire to bring us blue skies and summertime.  It might be hard, but we can do it. 

Rollercoaster...I Can't Say No!!!

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE….did I say LOVE…rollercoasters!  I have a terrible itch to purchase an amusement park pass right now.  I can’t even remember the last time I went on a rollercoaster, but I remember the way it makes me feel.  AND I can vividly recall, the memory of riding my first rollercoaster: The Outer Limits (flight of fear!).  It was the scariest and funniest feeling I’d felt to that point. I will always have a fond place in my heart for rollercoasters. 

One of my favorite Rollercoasters thus far has been one in which two rollercoaster carts go side by side to the end of the ride.  The coaster: American Eagle, the park: Great America, the location: Santa Clara, CA.  I can’t tell you how many times my family, and/or friends and I visited this park and rode that coaster. I have not been back in years, but like I said I have an itch to just go and ride some coasters right now (any takers???).  In case you are wondering, Six Flags Magic Mountain in Santa Clarita, CA is the best park to do that.  No arguments accepted!

American Eagle is unique in that it added another layer to your experience: the opportunity to go eye to eye, inch by inch with another group of people.  There were certain points in which they were up and you were down, but for a majority of the time you had a partner pair the entire way.  It was the same experience in a different way.  You could understand what the other rollercoaster cart of people were experiencing, but it wasn’t the same. 

We sometimes describe our experiences or our lives as a rollercoaster.  And it’s a great analogy, if you ask me.  There will be ups and downs, slow climbs to the top, and furiously fast plummets to the bottom.  There will be malfunctions, delays, waiting, going, and letting go.  Sometimes you’ll throw your hands up and enjoy the ride and other times you’ll close your eyes, clench your hands around the lap bar (or handle bars across your chest), and pray the ride ends right now!  My favorite part of rollercoasters is right when you get to the top of a really big drop and you can see everything and for a split second right at the top going down you feel like your floating (it only happens for a split second)…then you just drop…down…down…down. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m running two rollercoaster carts in my life, just like on American Eagle.  There’s the life I have and the life I imagine/coulda/woulda/shoulda.  Ya know???

I sometimes pride myself (which God humbles me pretty quick) on being able to handle things pretty well.  I’ve lived some of the loneliest years of my life figuring out how to be Ms. Independent; how to figure things out without other people.  Only allowing others in my life if necessary.  I'm working hard to stop doing that.  I don't know what I'd do without my community around me.  Thank the Lord for you!

There’s a scene in the movie Footloose (NOT THE NEW ONE!) where a girl straddles two vehicles driving pretty fast down this road because she was in one car and wanted to be in the other.  It’s pretty thrilling to watch!  And you think, that chick is CRAZY. 

Well, call me crazy, but sometimes I start rehearsing a story where I can be like her and jump on the other rollercoaster cart in life; the coaster that in my brain, in that movement, all works out better than if I just let go and enjoy the ride of a lifetime that I’m already on.  That’s when I get humbled pretty quick.  When my pride gets deflated and I see with new eyes.  Teaching moments that I think we all need.  So, even though there are times…in my moments of weakness, when I want to jump tracks, I’ve decided I like my rollercoaster.  Yah, sometimes I clench my fists and pray to God (yes, I’m being literal here) that the ride ends soon.  And sometimes, I’m click-clacking to the top and I am furiously excited to let go, take that huge plunge, and enjoy get that feeling of weightlessness. 

One of my favorite versus is 1 Corintihians 13:13 (yah I don’t care how cheesey that is!): These three: faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love.  If there is anything the Lord has tried to teach stubborn independent me it is to let go and give in to the ride, to let it go and go with the flow.  To surround myself with the love of people I care about and who care about me.  To have faith even when it feels like I’ve hit the lowest plummet on my rollercoaster ride, and to have hope knowing it will work out okay because it ALWAYS, always, always does and that is because God’s plan is way bigger than mine. 

I know life sometimes isn’t fair and there are a lot of times when I have little control over my rollercoaster.  However, I do have control over my attitude, how I treat people, and a few other things.  I’m doing my best to have fun and enjoy the ride.  To stop overthinking and worrying over things I can’t change.  It’s not an easy task, but I have God and good friends to help keep me on track.  So, rollercoaster of life: BRING IT ON!

I hope you are enjoying your life or working to do so.  I hope you have people that look forward to hearing your voice and seeing your face.  And I hope you know the God I do who is love and has changed my life for the better.  Don’t stop believing (thank you, Journey) and don’t say “no” to the rollercoaster (okay, so this song talks about something a little risky and I don’t necessarily encourage what this guy did, but basically he’s saying to stop pressing on the breaks of a ride that’s gonna play out whether your praying its over or throwing your hands up and going with the flow!).  Okay…so not the best song choices here, but they have at least one good lyric that helps enunciate my points :P  

Have fun on your rollercoasters people!  Also believe in faith, hope, and love.  They’ll prevail, ALWAYS <3 

#girlpower

No, I’m not really writing about how awesome ALL women are and my beliefs in feminism.  But I could most definitely write an entire blog on women that I admire (Brene Brown, Marie Curie, Rosalind Franklin, Drew Barrymore, Eleanor Roosevelt…to name a few).  Just sayin!

What I am going to write about is one woman I admire and how she has impacted me and inspires me every day.  And also how she encourages me to be a better me.  I’m going to write about our #girlpower. 

I’ve celebrated the one-year anniversary of my mom’s death, her birthday, and the 16-year anniversary of my dad’s death all in less than one month.  I expected a great many things, but mostly I expected to be sad.  Funny thing is that I really haven’t been.  The tears have come, yes, but it felt more cleansing.  I have a heart of gratefulness for what she and my dad have brought to my life and when I reflect on the memories my heart is at peace.  It’s a difficult thing to explain.  At first I thought I was lying to myself when I said I wasn’t sad.  But then I heard that someone else felt the same way when they cried too. 

The more and more I learn about the things that impacted my mom’s life and about my mom the deeper the love I have for her and for others.  I love learning and I love loving on others.  What is more is that I love to learn how to love each person I meet on a deeper level.  It’s really hard to do that with so many people in my life and all the things that take my attention, but lately I’ve felt this calling to do something more, “I don’t know what, but I’m on the watch for it!”—in the words of Jo March in the movie Little Women.  One of my favorite parts of that movie!  It’s okay not to know what we want to do with our lives.  The tragedy, I think, is when we stop searching and give up. 

My mom, Rhonda, I’m sure, stole many folks’ attentions starting from day one.  There are stories that have been passed around since she and her siblings were younger about “staying away from the Carson girls.”  My step-dad, Philip insists this was how it was and he made sure to take heed of this warning (that was until they were older!).  She and her family grew up in a small town in Indiana on a farm that boarded horses.  Apparently she was the class clown in high school and didn’t do too hot grade wise, but she sure loved making people smile!  Thankfully she got her academic act together and went on to get a bachelors degree in health science, a certificate to practice respiratory therapy, and her masters in business administration in the early 1990s (she was the ONLY girl in her class AND she kicked ass!).  She met my dad in the 1980s and they had my twin sister, Ashley, and me.  Shortly after they got married (they dressed us up in tuxedo shirts for the big day…aren’t we fancy!), we found out that I had cancer and was given a 5% chance of survival.  Obviously we didn’t really plan on following through with chances and I am now 25+ years cancer free!  My little sister, Morgan, was born shortly after doctors told my family that the cancer was gone (woohoo!!!).  For a few years my family lived a pretty normal life in a quaint little city called Noblesville.  In 1997, however, my dad was diagnosed with renal (kidney) cancer.  He fought hard for 3 years, but eventually lost the war with his disease.  After he passed, my sisters and I soon became front row ticket holders to my mom’s fight with depression, addiction, and chronic pain.  On at least 2 occasions she attempted suicide and insisted that we’d be better off without her and that God had told her to do it.  During this time she moved my sisters and I to California to try and start life over.  Again, things didn’t really go very well and my sisters and I all winded up going separate ways from our mom (but still staying very close).  In 2009, after we had all moved away, my mom moved back to Indiana.  She spent time taking care of her mom who was sick and eventually passed away and also re-married this really great guy (my stepdad Philip) who she loved deeply.  For nearly 2 years she enjoyed a beautiful life back in her hometown (just down the street from where she boarded horses, actually) living with her love, mowing lawns, gardening, remodeling their house, and loving her three beautiful daughters well.  Tragically she passed on in December of 2014 when her colon burst and she became septic. 

My mother was a remarkable woman.  She did struggle to support my sisters and I and we have had to navigate some pretty gnarly situations, but we are all stronger (#girlpower) women because of everything we have been through. 

In the past few weeks I’ve also felt like I’ve been reminded more and more of my mom’s life.  From conversations I’ve had with friends to what the message was on at church to new practices in the ER for septic patients.  Perhaps I’ve simply just given more of my attention to these things, I’m not sure, but as I said before it has perpetuated my knowledge and ability to love deeper.

Depression was just a word to me many years ago.  Then it became a scary monster when people I knew began telling me that depression lead to circumstances in which they or other people I loved struggled to get through each day and sometimes even contemplated ending their life.  What was worse was that I couldn’t really help them change their thoughts.  I felt helpless.  And if I felt that way, I couldn’t begin to imagine how they felt.  Despite these feelings my mom still managed to do the best that she could for me and my sisters.  She fought every day to overcome these thoughts and feelings as best she could and made sure she told us that she loved us every chance she got. 

My mom’s depression and the struggles I’ve heard about depression are REALLY scary.  It’s not something one can snap out of or read an encouraging blog on and turn around their day because of the words they read and a little bit of effort.  I can only imagine that it’s nothing short of a miracle that someone with depression could even attempt to support and raise three girls.  I know she did the best that she could with what she had.  And that will always be enough.  My sisters and I have #girlpower because of our Mom, because of how she taught us what choices not to make, about the harsh realities of this world, and also because of her amazing heart. 

There were many times in which people took advantage of my mom’s kindness and she got fired (2-3 times this happened to her), but her first action was to forgive and insist that they must’ve had a reason and needed whatever they took from her more than she did.  She would also very stubbornly not listen to what others had to say about how hard she would fail if she didn’t listen to them about a choice she wanted to make.  She never did it to spite folks, she did it to show that having fear of failing wasn’t a reason to not walk into a very scary situation in which there was a great deal of vulnerability and loss at stake.  She never let us take the easy road, the one in which we could avoid facing our fears.  A direct result of her stubbornness was leading my sisters and I out of homelessness (we had been living in a shelter system for about 7 months or so) and into a place that we could call our own. 

My Mom’s mom had this motto, “you can dig yourself out of the grave you put yourself in.”  Basically don’t ask for my help if you screw up in life and she made that clear to my mom.  She’d refuse to tell my mom she loved her and did very little to help my mom when she was struggling.  [Just want to say here that my Grandma did not treat her grandkids that way at all.  I thought my grandma was nice…Crazy (I put out a fire she caused when she left an aluminum foil box on a electric burner on high), but loving (she’d let us write our own menu for breakfast then she’d make it to order for all three of my sisters and I EVEN if we all three had COMPLETELY different orders…and normally we did!) toward the grandkids.  She also made us say our prayers before we went to bed at her house.  And she probably knitted 200+ scarves for the vets in her life.she was pretty remarkable too! #girlpower]  Yet when my Grandma got sick my mom stopped her life, moved in with my Grandma, and dedicated her life to taking care of her until she passed. 

I have no idea where my mom’s #girlpower came from and some of her life just doesn’t make sense to me, but she was an awesome woman.  Her Mom was probably not the greatest role model in regards to a supermom, yet my mom found a way to be an incredibly loving and supportive person to my sisters and I, even when I don’t think she should have had the capacity to do so.  What I mean by that is that my Mom MADE SURE we knew she loved us.  She would tell us that she’d be proud of us despite what we did or didn’t do with our lives.  I don’t ever remember her being discouraging or pessimistic or disappointed when it came to my sisters and I pursuing what we wanted in life.  I have no doubt that she’d give everything in her life to make sure her chickadees succeeded and felt loved.

In the last two years of my mom’s life, after her mom passed and she married Philip, she seemed really, really happy.  I was so proud of the choices she was making to be healthier.  Healthier in terms of confronting her depression and getting help, stopping smoking, managing her weight, and attempting to subdue the chronic conditions she dealt with through eating healthier and changing her lifestyle (i.e. exercising more).

It was tragic that she passed.  I had really enjoyed the times I got to spend with her and was bummed that I didn’t spend more time with her after she moved back to Indiana.  At the same time, as much as I miss her, I am relieved to know that she left earth not out of her own attempt or through a battle with mental illness but because of her body giving up. 

I miss her every day, but I am glad she doesn’t have to struggle.  I can’t even begin to imagine the mental power she must’ve had in order to not only battle her illnesses but to be able to still give my sisters and I the support to do the things we have done.  I’m not going to brag….okay….maybe a little…so, here it goes!

Morgan…beautiful blond hair, blue-eyed Morgan!  She’s an incredible artist (probably inherited her skills from my mom who also was a pretty amazing painter and drawer) and is the most stunning of the three of us (at least I think so; Ashley you are gorgeous!).  She’s the mom of Daisy who was my Mom’s 6 week old Yorkshire terrier when she passed.  Daisy is the sassiest yorkie you will ever meet!  And Morgan is working at the middle school we all went to to ensure the kids there are well nourished.  We all talk about changing the eating habits of America, well Morgan does that every day! 

Ashley, my gorgeous twin sister is a nurse at a renal dialysis facility.  She puts her blood, sweat, and tears into caring for her patients.  They are her first priority and she works hard to guarantee they have the best care possible at her clinic.  By working hard I mean this: wake up at 5am and go to the gym, head to work for 12 hours, come home and prepare for a conference in the future that will teach her how to better her patient care, talk to her twin sister (that’s me!) about how to better support the staff she supervises so they can better support their patients, go to sleep, repeat (5-7 days/week).  Obviously this is not the same each day, but this is an example of a typical day.  And, yes, she does work really long days for many days in a row, sometimes without a break.  If she isn’t at work she is thinking about her patients.  She also is a change maker, just like Morgan!

You all read enough about me on my blog…so I’ll let you learn about me that way ;)

All that to say that we have #girlpower and we are a product of our upbringing!  I stand unashamed to represent every part of my life and from what I know about my sisters I know they have learned to appreciate how our past has shaped our lives now.  Some of the pieces are not pretty and my Mom and Dad maybe shouldn’t get parent of the year award, HOWEVER, I can say with confidence that we are overcomers and have learned to be grateful for what we did and do have and how everything comes together to paint the beautiful #girlpower picture of us you see now.