No, I’m not really writing about how awesome ALL women are
and my beliefs in feminism. But I could
most definitely write an entire blog on women that I admire (Brene Brown, Marie
Curie, Rosalind Franklin, Drew Barrymore, Eleanor Roosevelt…to name a
few). Just sayin!
What I am going to write about is one woman I admire and how
she has impacted me and inspires me every day.
And also how she encourages me to be a better me. I’m going to write about our #girlpower.
I’ve celebrated the one-year anniversary of my mom’s death,
her birthday, and the 16-year anniversary of my dad’s death all in less than
one month. I expected a great many
things, but mostly I expected to be sad.
Funny thing is that I really haven’t been. The tears have come, yes, but it felt more
cleansing. I have a heart of
gratefulness for what she and my dad have brought to my life and when I reflect
on the memories my heart is at peace.
It’s a difficult thing to explain.
At first I thought I was lying to myself when I said I wasn’t sad. But then I heard that someone else felt the
same way when they cried too.
The more and more I learn about the things that impacted my
mom’s life and about my mom the deeper the love I have for her and for
others. I love learning and I love
loving on others. What is more is that I
love to learn how to love each person I meet on a deeper level. It’s really hard to do that with so many
people in my life and all the things that take my attention, but lately I’ve
felt this calling to do something more, “I don’t know what, but I’m on the
watch for it!”—in the words of Jo March in the movie Little Women. One of my
favorite parts of that movie! It’s okay
not to know what we want to do with our lives.
The tragedy, I think, is when we stop searching and give up.
My mom, Rhonda, I’m sure, stole many folks’ attentions
starting from day one. There are stories
that have been passed around since she and her siblings were younger about
“staying away from the Carson girls.” My
step-dad, Philip insists this was how it was and he made sure to take heed of
this warning (that was until they were older!).
She and her family grew up in a small town in Indiana on a farm that
boarded horses. Apparently she was the
class clown in high school and didn’t do too hot grade wise, but she sure loved
making people smile! Thankfully she got
her academic act together and went on to get a bachelors degree in health
science, a certificate to practice respiratory therapy, and her masters in
business administration in the early 1990s (she was the ONLY girl in her class
AND she kicked ass!). She met my dad in
the 1980s and they had my twin sister, Ashley, and me. Shortly after they got married (they dressed
us up in tuxedo shirts for the big day…aren’t we fancy!), we found out that I
had cancer and was given a 5% chance of survival. Obviously we didn’t really plan on following
through with chances and I am now 25+ years cancer free! My little sister, Morgan, was born shortly
after doctors told my family that the cancer was gone (woohoo!!!). For a few years my family lived a pretty normal life in a quaint little city
called Noblesville. In 1997, however, my
dad was diagnosed with renal (kidney) cancer.
He fought hard for 3 years, but eventually lost the war with his
disease. After he passed, my sisters and
I soon became front row ticket holders to my mom’s fight with depression,
addiction, and chronic pain. On at least
2 occasions she attempted suicide and insisted that we’d be better off without
her and that God had told her to do it. During
this time she moved my sisters and I to California to try and start life
over. Again, things didn’t really go
very well and my sisters and I all winded up going separate ways from our mom
(but still staying very close). In 2009,
after we had all moved away, my mom moved back to Indiana. She spent time taking care of her mom who was
sick and eventually passed away and also re-married this really great guy (my
stepdad Philip) who she loved deeply.
For nearly 2 years she enjoyed a beautiful life back in her hometown
(just down the street from where she boarded horses, actually) living with her
love, mowing lawns, gardening, remodeling their house, and loving her three
beautiful daughters well. Tragically she
passed on in December of 2014 when her colon burst and she became septic.
My mother was a remarkable woman. She did struggle to support my sisters and I
and we have had to navigate some pretty gnarly situations, but we are all
stronger (#girlpower) women because of everything we have been through.
In the past few weeks I’ve also felt like I’ve been reminded
more and more of my mom’s life. From
conversations I’ve had with friends to what the message was on at church to new
practices in the ER for septic patients.
Perhaps I’ve simply just given more of my attention to these things, I’m
not sure, but as I said before it has perpetuated my knowledge and ability to
love deeper.
Depression was just a word to me many years ago. Then it became a scary monster when people I
knew began telling me that depression lead to circumstances in which they or
other people I loved struggled to get through each day and sometimes even
contemplated ending their life. What was
worse was that I couldn’t really help them change their thoughts. I felt helpless. And if I felt that way, I couldn’t begin to
imagine how they felt. Despite these
feelings my mom still managed to do the best that she could for me and my
sisters. She fought every day to
overcome these thoughts and feelings as best she could and made sure she told
us that she loved us every chance she got.
My mom’s depression and the struggles I’ve heard about
depression are REALLY scary. It’s not
something one can snap out of or read an encouraging blog on and turn around their
day because of the words they read and a little bit of effort. I can only imagine that it’s nothing short of
a miracle that someone with depression could even attempt to support and raise
three girls. I know she did the best
that she could with what she had. And
that will always be enough. My sisters
and I have #girlpower because of our Mom, because of how she taught us what
choices not to make, about the harsh realities of this world, and also because
of her amazing heart.
There were many times in which people took advantage of my
mom’s kindness and she got fired (2-3 times this happened to her), but her
first action was to forgive and insist that they must’ve had a reason and
needed whatever they took from her more than she did. She would also very stubbornly not listen to
what others had to say about how hard she would fail if she didn’t listen to
them about a choice she wanted to make.
She never did it to spite folks, she did it to show that having fear of
failing wasn’t a reason to not walk into a very scary situation in which there
was a great deal of vulnerability and loss at stake. She never let us take the easy road, the one
in which we could avoid facing our fears.
A direct result of her stubbornness was leading my sisters and I out of
homelessness (we had been living in a shelter system for about 7 months or so)
and into a place that we could call our own.
My Mom’s mom had this motto, “you can dig yourself out of
the grave you put yourself in.”
Basically don’t ask for my help if you screw up in life and she made that clear to my
mom. She’d refuse to tell my mom she
loved her and did very little to help my mom when she was struggling. [Just want to say here that my Grandma did
not treat her grandkids that way at all.
I thought my grandma was nice…Crazy (I put out a fire she caused when
she left an aluminum foil box on a electric burner on high), but loving (she’d
let us write our own menu for breakfast then she’d make it to order for all
three of my sisters and I EVEN if we all three had COMPLETELY different
orders…and normally we did!) toward the grandkids. She also made us say our prayers before we
went to bed at her house. And she
probably knitted 200+ scarves for the vets in her life.she was pretty remarkable too! #girlpower] Yet when my Grandma got sick my mom stopped
her life, moved in with my Grandma, and dedicated her life to taking care of
her until she passed.
I have no idea where my mom’s #girlpower came from and some
of her life just doesn’t make sense to me, but she was an awesome woman. Her Mom was probably not the greatest role
model in regards to a supermom, yet my mom found a way to be an incredibly loving and supportive person
to my sisters and I, even when I don’t think she should have had the capacity
to do so. What I mean by that is that my
Mom MADE SURE we knew she loved us. She
would tell us that she’d be proud of us despite what we did or didn’t do with
our lives. I don’t ever remember her
being discouraging or pessimistic or disappointed when it came to my sisters
and I pursuing what we wanted in life. I
have no doubt that she’d give everything in her life to make sure her
chickadees succeeded and felt loved.
In the last two years of my mom’s life, after her mom passed
and she married Philip, she seemed really, really happy. I was so proud of the choices she was making
to be healthier. Healthier in terms of
confronting her depression and getting help, stopping smoking, managing her
weight, and attempting to subdue the chronic conditions she dealt with through
eating healthier and changing her lifestyle (i.e. exercising more).
It was tragic that she passed. I had really enjoyed the times I got to spend
with her and was bummed that I didn’t spend more time with her after she moved
back to Indiana. At the same time, as
much as I miss her, I am relieved to know that she left earth not out of her
own attempt or through a battle with mental illness but because of her body
giving up.
I miss her every day, but I am glad she doesn’t have to
struggle. I can’t even begin to imagine
the mental power she must’ve had in order to not only battle her illnesses but
to be able to still give my sisters and I the support to do the things we have
done. I’m not going to brag….okay….maybe
a little…so, here it goes!
Morgan…beautiful blond hair, blue-eyed Morgan! She’s an incredible artist (probably
inherited her skills from my mom who also was a pretty amazing painter and
drawer) and is the most stunning of the three of us (at least I think so;
Ashley you are gorgeous!). She’s the mom
of Daisy who was my Mom’s 6 week old Yorkshire terrier when she passed. Daisy is the sassiest yorkie you will ever
meet! And Morgan is working at the
middle school we all went to to ensure the kids there are well nourished. We all talk about changing the eating habits
of America, well Morgan does that every day!
Ashley, my gorgeous twin sister is a nurse at a renal
dialysis facility. She puts her blood,
sweat, and tears into caring for her patients.
They are her first priority and she works hard to guarantee they have
the best care possible at her clinic. By
working hard I mean this: wake up at 5am and go to the gym, head to work for 12
hours, come home and prepare for a conference in the future that will teach her
how to better her patient care, talk to her twin sister (that’s me!) about how
to better support the staff she supervises so they can better support their
patients, go to sleep, repeat (5-7 days/week).
Obviously this is not the same each day, but this is an example of a typical day. And, yes, she does work really long days for
many days in a row, sometimes without a break.
If she isn’t at work she is thinking about her patients. She also is a change maker, just like Morgan!
You all read enough about me on my blog…so I’ll let you
learn about me that way ;)
All that to say that we have #girlpower and we are a product
of our upbringing! I stand unashamed to
represent every part of my life and from what I know about my sisters I know
they have learned to appreciate how our past has shaped our lives now. Some of the pieces are not pretty and my Mom
and Dad maybe shouldn’t get parent of the year award, HOWEVER, I can say with
confidence that we are overcomers and have learned to be grateful for what we
did and do have and how everything comes together to paint the beautiful
#girlpower picture of us you see now.
