For the first time in months I have time to do like
nothing. It feels strange. It feels nice. And at the same time I find myself feeling
anxious. I feel like my life is going in
a million different directions all at once.
That Dr. Suess book, Oh the Places
You’ll Go! keeps playing over and over again in my mind. And as much as the boy in the book seemed to
have a wonderful adventure in front of him and was taking steps toward it, all
I can think of is how two steps forward feels like four steps further away from my
plan for the future.
I played this game when I was in college where you breathed
in then ran screaming down the street for as long as you could until your
breath ran out. Once that happened you
stayed where you were and waited for everyone else to do the same. Whoever ran the furthest in one breath
won. SO UNFAIR! It’s like putting toddlers against 17 year
olds (at least I think so). HAHA! You’d think either the fastest would win or
the one who could hold their breath the longest or maybe the one that didn’t
fall on that crack in the sidewalk (opps!).
It was like totes unfair, like right?
But what if the winner of the game was the one with the
lowest bp afterwards? Or the one who ran
the shortest distance? Or the one who
sweated the least? Or the most? Or the one whose heart rate returned to
normal the quickest? What if there were
no winners and the point was just to have fun and learn about each other?
I feel like I wanna scream like I did in that game sometimes. Well a lot of the time right now. I’ve been waiting to hear about the results
of my re-takes and it's nerve racking. And I keep thinking about
that game I played and that wonderful Dr. Seuss book. And then I begin to think about ALL the
possibilities and directions and the future and how I really just don’t
know. I don’t know how to win.
I don’t know if I need to run the furthest or be the fittest or sweat
the least.
As much as I want to pass these tests and as hard as I have
tried, what I have found is that I need to appreciate where I am despite my fear of
failing, my frustration in having to wait, and my disappointment in myself for not being great at testing. My peace is found in knowing it’s all going to be okay. My Mom so desperately tried to teach me that about all circumstances and I am sure she would say the same for this one. She would tell me that the results do matter, however, if that was all that mattered, it’d
be like watching the world pass by from the inside of a tall tower without
stairs or access to anyone out there. Like watching your world pass by and never experiencing it. You'd just be waiting. And you'd stop and lose focus on everything except for that one thing. And that, that is a horrible way to live.
I cannot for the life of me remember who won the screaming
game. I don’t think it mattered. But what does is that we recognize where we
are and how things are affecting us.
Don’t live in a tower waiting for life to start. Don’t let circumstances become so powerful
in your life that everything else stops. We do have a choice. It may not seem like a clear path, but
eventually by putting one foot in front of the other and taking it a few steps
at a time, we form our own unique and beautiful path.
Robert Frost wrote a poem about two roads. You can read about that here. Basically he takes his own path. We need to do that. And ultimately we all do, but I guess what I
am saying is trust yourself. Forgive
yourself. Know that sometimes as much as
our community cares about us, we do make a different decision and that is okay. And know that “the best” isn’t always what we
think it is. You may win the screaming
game precisely because you tripped over the darn crack in the sidewalk, or maybe you won't.
In the time I have been waiting I’ve found the most freedom comes
when I stop comparing my path with everyone else's path. When I stop
trying to convince myself that there is only one “right” way. When I stop worrying about the ½ million
directions I may not take. My one and
only direction and path in front of me is the right one for me. I’m going to be okay and I don’t need to run
the farthest in the game to win. Winning
isn’t the point, but taking my own path is.
And that is what I hope I find the strength to do.
I love the Sara Barellis song I Wanna Be Like Me. I think community is way important. And I do value everyone around me, but we are
all so unique. We can’t win at being me unless we recognize we aren’t
going to be like each other. We do need
each other to do that, though. But don’t
sell yourself short. Do the internal
work and figure out what makes you tick, don’t
be afraid to stand up straight, but also know when you need to make a
change. Know you’re going to lose at
something, even if it’s not fair. Know
you’re also going to win. And know that it’s
all a very important part of your journey.
There’s not one path for everyone.
Thank the Lord! My path is
squiggly and it’s mine and I pray that I learn better how to embrace it. And everything is going to be okay.
So get out there.
Win, lose, and draw. Be like
you. Talk to your community and let them
help shape your life. You have choices
and you are the best you. And for
goodness sake, pick up Oh the Places
You’ll Go! by Dr. Seuss and take in
those solid nuggets of gold. Love and
blessings to you, community <3 <3 <3
