More recently I’ve been around babies. And one thing I’ve noticed is those little cuties get hiccups A LOT. And I did some research and found that while common, it is not well understood why they get them so often. Heck, it’s not certain why we get them, right!?! So, no surprise there. But I sit there looking at a baby with hiccups and I think, “oh no, how can I help you! Are you okay? Does it hurt? You know because my hiccups HURT.” Then I try saying, “boo” to scare the little nugget, but not scare them. Just a “boo” that makes the tricksters scram but not make baby cry. So far, the hiccups are winning. Does that make me a boo-er? Like someone who is known to scare babies?
The times I have most often had hiccups is after drinking alcohol. And these monsters hurt. I mean hurt. Whole body hurt and when they happen, they sound like devils. But what do you say to that? How do you address a hiccup? … Bless you? Salud? Are you okay? Would you like a glass of water? Can I elevate your feet? You should do a handstand while trying to eat peanut butter. How about we go play (secretly in your head, it’s I’m going to scare the sh*t out of you, but I’ll tell you I’m doing something else).
I remember. Several times. Getting hiccups at my grandmother’s house. And I can’t remember when I tried doing a handstand against the wall (please, ya’ll I wasn’t a cool kid who did cartwheels and flips…I could do a summersault, though, does that count as cool?) while eating peanut butter, but I think it worked. I think getting scared worked too. Oh, and the trick of trying to down too much water hoping your body would forget it needed to be doing the hiccups…I think maybe I just got wet and upset with that one.
Hiccups can be strange.
I think the same word can be use to describe talking to friends or family going through, dare I say a cancer diagnosis, cancer treatment, cancer infusion, cancer blood draw, cancer emergency room visit, cancer surgery, cancer dressing change, cancer maintenance drug, cancer history, cancer history in family, cancer _____ . Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. CANCER. CANCER.
Initially, I intended to provide examples of metaphorical hiccups and create analogies of how hiccups are just speed bumps in the road. Small things. Things not usually remembered or given much thought to because they are there then they are gone.
But I’m venturing into new territory here. Territory I didn’t plan to write about in the first place, but here I am following the voice in my brain. And shifting gears. So keep the hiccup part in your head, but also keep your mind open.
I picked up a book the other day for book club. And usually, I would’ve grabbed it off the shelf at a bookstore, read the back cover, discovered what or if there were other books by the author next to the book I picked up, googled the author, wondered if they had an Instagram, scrolled through. I don’t leave rocks unturned. I read consumer reports. About sunblock. About cars. About mowers (I don’t have a house, or a yard, or need for a mower, but it’s interesting and not too many pages past sunblock). But I did not this time. I just looked at the cute dog on the cover and the girl sitting on her VW van. Read the mystic subtitle and started to read.
A few pages in my sister yelled that dinner was ready. I joined her and talked for a moment about the book I had just picked up and how it seemed like it was about a mystery diagnosis that I thought would lead to a complicated autoimmune disorder diagnosis.
Nope.
The memoir details a journey of a beautiful, strong, and brave young woman’s life before and after a cancer diagnosis. And I would have known that if I had started my research by flipping over the book. I am glad I didn’t, though, I’m not sure I would have read it.
Back to the hiccups…my transitions are terrible this time….but it’s okay!
I don’t’ know what to say to someone with hiccups. Just like I can’t tell you the secret words to comfort me or others who are suffering, who have cancer. I’m not sometimes sure what I need (to hear). I’m stubborn. And I can sometimes keep the hard things to myself. I despise needing help because of my disability, because of my disease, because of my situation. I don’t know how to ask for it sometimes when I do. I’m a walking hiccup.
So what next…Can the strange hiccup feeling go away? I don’t know. But I think we can try.
We can try to be better.
We can try to listen to understand.
We can try to learn to understand.
We can try and stand on our heads against the wall and eat peanut butter until the hiccups go away.
We can try and find someone who has walked a similar path and is willing to share their perspective.
We can try to be there.
I will never ever find a person who says magic things every time. At the same time, there are many of you who may not know when you were magic for me, but you have been magic before. Multiple times. I have no doubt.
I found some of that in the book I picked up. Strangely, it was as if I was talking to her while I was reading the book. It was a special time and a special book.
You never, ever may know how you impact another person. Or how that connection could transcend into the lives of others, but those impacts are imprinted on all of us, those connections do transcend into our lives and those of others, and we can and do change the world.
…
I’m doing okay. The transition from intense chemotherapy to less intense immunotherapy has surprised me. Like coming off a spiny ride, but still spinning. And while that was happening, I decided it was time to reconsider my pain management plan. That’s been unexpectedly harder than I imagined. And…and…there’s always something else if I wanted to keep going. And yet, I do my best to choose hope.
The book I read was Between Two Kingdoms by Suleika Jaroud. That is my book suggestion for you all. It will help you be better, understand better, listen better, learn to understand, be there, see a new perspective, and
And some jams for you:
- Love Yourself – Betty Who
- Salt Then Sour Then Sweet – Sara Bareilles, Brandi Carlile
- Everything is Peaceful Love – Bon Iver (Fun fact, I saw one of his concerts at the Hollywood Bowl; And also saw Spence from Criminal Minds there…I did…I swear)
- Travelin Soldier – Cody Johnson (I know, I know...the (Dixie) Chicks version is original and incredible AND this one is so good too. Give it a chance!)
- Provide me with book suggestions (think historical fiction and nonfiction)
- Send me mail! (I just found out about this cool website where you can sign up to send and receive postcards (from) around the world, it’s called Postcrossing).
- Want to visit the Bay Area?
- Donate to my GoFundMe to help me pay for my insurance, medications, procedures, parking, transportation, etc. (and THANK YOU to all who have and continue to help in this way)
- Consider supporting a vendor dedicated to cancer awareness, like DogLove Original Brand
Last little thing before I go....do you believe in signs...I believe in signs...Anyhow, the song that inspired the name of my blog so long ago came on just as I was finishing this up. Magic, people, magic.
