On Monday I will have lived through week one of my adult
life without my thyroid. I’ve been asked
if it feels different not to have it or if I notice it’s not there. The answer is simply “no.” I can’t tell a difference. Yes, I most definitely know I had surgery and
I am certainly in recovery, but aside from that I feel like the same person I
was before I had my surgery when my body was functioning very differently. It feels seamless, like nothing happened, but
that is certainly not the case! Come
with me and let me share with you a part of my journey and perhaps it will
provide you with some perspective.
There have been many times when I’ve fallen during the past
week. Fallen into a position where I
have a poor attitude and lose a part of myself to the dark side. I knew (and know
even now) when I was in that place and I felt AWFUL. Sometimes I made (and make) choices to move
on to a better place, but sometimes I did not (or do not). There are two things that have helped me
greatly during these times and one thing I am really trying to work on right
now that I believe is a key to the
life God has blessed each of us with (something that perhaps I knew before, but
didn’t give as much credit to and/or put as much effort in). The first two things are this: (1) to give
myself grace just as Christ has poured out His grace on each of us when I
fumble and (2) I can stop and change direction/start over at any time I want to. What I have noticed is that although these are
true and great tools, it’s not enough; There is a stronger drug…perhaps even a vaccine!
What I really need is a tool that opens more doors, something that gives
me more freedom. How do I get from dark side to shinning my light
(brighter) again? How do I really change
my mindset to be in line with the plan God has for my life, not just
temporarily but long term? How do I
recover from a fumble quicker and what is a better way?
While I was in the hospital I was so drugged. I was on nausea medication, anti-heart burn
medication, calcium, antibiotics, anesthesia, and pain medication (to name a
few). AND I wasn’t eating. At one point I puked my guts out on an empty
stomach. It wasn’t pretty at all. Haha.
That is probably the last thing that picture was! During that time, and the reason why I was on
sometimes 2 medications, was because we couldn’t get my pain and discomfort
under control. At one point they began
asking me how my pain was and for like 6 hours it didn’t change. I was told I was on a really strong pain
medication and they were sure they gave it to me, but I didn’t feel any
different. Remember how I said there
were times when I lost myself to the dark
side? Yah, that was definitely one
of those times!
It was during these times that I attempted to employ the key to life I spoke of earlier. That key
to life was being grateful despite how awful I felt. It was recognizing how hard the nurses
worked, how far my sisters had traveled to be with me, how many prayers had
been/were being lifted to God by my friends and family and people who I didn’t
even know, it was how much my work paid per year to cover my health expenses,
it was the paid time off I got, it was ANYTHING I could think of that would
keep me from letting too much of myself go to the dark side. I was having
trouble…a lot of trouble…and I could barely talk about it because I was so
“high” or knew that I simply needed to give it time and that this was part of
the process. And it was, but I
recognized too that I wanted more. That
I wanted to be able to give more. And
that when I gave more I wanted to be away from the dark.
A few weeks ago I remember sitting in front of my therapist crying because I knew
something good would be going away. And
recently I’ve been hearing some form of that from the hearts’ of my friends
too. To be more specific or to provide
you with an analogy (that one of my friends used), it’s recognizing that, “Nothing Gold
Can Stay,” a poem by Robert Frost. I
agree, it cannot.
But my key, it
compels me to be in a different place than that. I can recognize that things cannot stay, but
I shouldn’t live there and I shouldn’t put myself there when I am supposed to
be in the light. If I am grateful, I
can’t also recognize that this thing
won’t stay. If I am truly grateful, I
will dedicate all of me to being grateful for that thing in that moment. When I choose gratefulness over and over as a
default, versus just using It as a tool it will open more doors, it will bring
freedom. And when I do begin to do this
my heart becomes overwhelmed with emotion and smiles and things very far from
the dark side. I can see that it’s working!
My therapist’s response to me was this, “Why not simply enjoy
what you have?” and “Why worry about it not being there when you have it
now?” Why do I do that? And I recognize it’s pre-programmed and all,
but I believe that, for me, if I try to concentrate more on going towards the
light, I’ll be more in the light.
I know this is where I fumble. PAUSE.
Okay, I am not a sports person and I don’t know sports terminology. My favorite types of movie are sports movies,
yes, but I couldn’t tell you which positions were defense versus offense,
okay? But a fumble, I do know that….so
here it goes…PLAY. I totally drop the
ball and give it over to the dark side. But when you fumble the other team doesn’t
have to get the ball! If I get my butt
up quick enough and cover my ball my team and I can still recover. But, honestly, I shouldn’t even have to worry
about a fumble when I can be the best quarterback and receiver in the NFL
because God is my captain and my coach.
That is probably the worst analogy ever and perhaps slightly offensive
to folks who do know sports, but my intention is to give praise to football and
provide a picture of what I am experiencing.
Okay so how did I recover from my fumble that day in the
office? As I sat there looking at her I
realized I needed to really enjoy the moment.
Really live in the now. Fully
embrace that I have incredible friends who are there for me. That I have beautiful sisters and we support
each other. That I get to walk life with
people that inspire me to walk taller and be a better me. That I, ME, MY CHOICES are responsible for
having a grateful heart and not living from a place of scarcity. And I also have the ability to live a life
where I go from that place to that place instead of coming back from a fumble
all the time. I want my fumbles to come
rarely and my good quarterback and receiver days to come always. I’ve been living backwards and I want to call it quits.
In the Bible there’s a verse that reminds me of this journey,
it’s 2 Corinthians 3:18. It talks about
going from glory to glory. I never
thought I could live a life like that until recently. Part of this new thinking has come through
messages I’ve heard at my church, Newport Church. Pastor Di talked last week about how our
perspectives can be a black dot on a large white piece of paper and that we
should be living in the white. I want my
default to be to see the white and live in it.
Again, I don’t want to live the backwards life where I give way to the dark side that’s really just this smidge
on a huge white surface! I want to go
from glory to glory. Is anyone with
me?!?! (I’m also not a preacher or
biblical scholar, but that is how that verse speaks to me!).
It seems so silly now but when I was at my
therapy/counseling session I was thinking about how I have a truly amazing guy
friend who has this trait that I really love: being extremely forgiving and
having a huge hand in teaching me how to forgive. And then immediately fumbling by giving way
to recognizing that I wouldn’t find that in my future husband because I’d never
recognized it in others the same way; that that good thing, that gold, couldn’t
possible stay in my life or be there long term and what was I going to do without it. Yah I know it’s silly! But my therapist made me realize that I was
keeping myself from joy by immediately creating a sense of scarcity; I
compromised being grateful and being in a place of glory with God for living in
the dark side, the little dark smudge on the big white piece of (never-ending paper). She began prompting me to initiate a new
thinking sequence: Why not appreciate what you have now? Why are you worrying about something you
can’t change? Is this worth your time and energy? Thank God I saved my team and recovered my
fumble!
I’ve read a lot of books and articles that talk about some
of these things and it’s obviously changing me.
I also read somewhere that when you surround yourself with things you
want to grow in your life, they will grow.
And when you move away from things that don’t let you grow the way you
want to grow…they won’t grow. So when I
have the choice, I try to make it a good one.
I want to keep changing to always be a better me. I want to be better at living in the light and letting the light shine on my friends and family!
It’s been really hard to walk through this time, but I AM SO
GRATEFUL! I am constantly overwhelmed to
the point of crying (happy tears!). And
I recognize the importance of the steps and people that got me here. I am accepting of the path that God has laid
in my life and I want more.
To you who are listening: THANK YOU! You mean more to me than I could say in
words.
