As the one-year anniversary of my Mom’s passing closes in
I’ve spent a great deal of time reflecting on the past year and counting the mountains
of blessings in my life. Though this
year has been challenging and I miss the way things were, I also greatly appreciate
my life, my friends, and my family.
I remember waking up to a call from my sister almost a year
ago telling me, “just keep putting one foot in front of the other.” And at that time that was really all I could
do, it was really all WE could do, my sisters and I, as we began wandering
through the excruciatingly hard journey of life without our Mom here. I also remember that I couldn’t, let alone
knew how to, ask for help. I was simply
trying to survive and worked hard to pack-in my feelings, challenges, and
differences from others. I admired
independence and felt like it was a stamp of how strong of a woman I was. I worked hard to put my game face on, lace up
my boots, and stand up as tall as I could for as long as I could.
But to be honest, that just wasn’t working and I knew
it.
SO I began to take bigger and bigger steps that picked up
into a full on run down a very different path.
Fear and imminent doom began to seem more like a choice that I could say
no to versus the heavy rain clouds that followed me around each day. I realized that I couldn’t change overnight,
that I was going to make tons of mistakes and that was okay, and that however
long it took to get where I was going was unique to me and I didn’t need to
compare myself to others or listen to the sometimes BS that this world fed
me. Most importantly, I realized how
much I needed God and people in my life and how hard I was willing to fight to
keep them close and those relationships healthy and fruitful. And really that having healthy and fruitful
relationships in my life started with me.
I learned that I’m not meant to be Ms.
Independent nor do I want to do this crazy thing called life by
myself. SO, I leaned in and took
risks. And I’m really glad I did because
even though taking some of those risks was scary, and I risked falling on my
face (and sometimes did!), it also helped me be a better me. Now I finally feel like I am letting my light
shine without fighting against myself all the time.
I think that when we are faced with trauma we have two
choices: to embrace it and lean in or run and hide from it/find a way to do a
little dance around it. Much of the time we are taught more about
running and hiding and burying things versus embracing them. And as a direct result, we wind up with all
of these heavy, jam-packed bags that we drag around with us.
I acknowledged my bags and the need to unpack them and I set
out to find freedom from the things that were dragging me down. I was determined to find greater freedom from
not knowing how, and sometimes feeling embarrassed, to ask for help, not
trusting others well, and shutting down because I wasn’t good at digging deep
and facing my rain clouds, to name a few.
I sought out, and am still seeking, how to learn how to own every part
of my story (I must give credit to Brene Brown for putting these words in my
mouth. I love her and she talks a lot
about owning your story in her new
book Rising Strong. You should read it!). My compass and focus is God and He gave each
of us our stories to not only own, but to share with each other.
Okay, so quick story...because it relates! I promise!
I recently took a trip out to Indiana to visit my family for the
Thanksgiving holiday. I checked one bag
on my way back and perhaps it was a bit old and worn out (10+ years of use) and
perhaps it was just a bit over-packed, BUT I got it zipped! Any way, on the way back TSA opened and did a
through search of that bag AND they actually winded up breaking it and having
to tape it shut. For whatever reason,
though, they only taped one side shut…yikes!!! So when my bag rolled out onto the luggage
carousel in Orange County with my stuff hanging out everywhere for all to see, I
was horrified and a little embarrassed. I’m
not sure how I gained enough of my senses to scoop up my belongings and hurry
outside, but I did! And I was extremely
grateful to find that all of my items managed to make it back to me. Phew!
So imagine if those items in the bag were our feelings,
challenges, and differences and all the other things we carry with us AND the
ugly rain clouds that threaten imminent doom. I know I’ve packed things in and tried to zip
up myself up for way, way to long, just like my bag. Then I find myself in a situation where, just
like my bag, I am busting out of my broken-zippered, old, and worn self and am sometimes horrified and embarrassed.
THANKFULLY, unlike luggage, people are created to withstand
the test of time. Unlike luggage, we do
have ways to cope, heal, and/or manage when we are over-packed and have inappropriately
tried to compensate for not being able to handle things by ourselves. We can choose to embrace and not avoid or
dance around the traumatic and hard parts of our story and to welcome the help
that is offered to each of us during our journeys. Thank God we are not alone and that we can
choose to have healthy and fruitful relationships with others and ourselves; and
that these relationships can help us be stronger people who are willing to embrace
every part of our stories. Know that you
might start out putting one foot in front of the other and you could wind up
back tracking, but you’ll get there in your time. I have faith in us!
